It has
really hit me lately how comfortable I was back home in CA. I think about it
whenever I drive through the canopies of trees on one of the scenic routes or
on the highway surrounded by Connecticut and New York license plates—am I
really living in CT?! Back in CA I had a routine of work, ministry and family.
My days were packed and I liked being busy. But now I have more time, and I’m
struck with the question of what am I going to do? I’ve debated going back to
school, working at a local coffee shop, writing, or just full time
volunteering, whether in ministry or a local nonprofit. In California, I had a
list of things I would do if I had the time… but now I don’t feel a passion for
those things. It’s kind of humorous and then again it’s not, because I feel so
lost at times.
We have been
here a little over three weeks and sometimes I feel ridiculously impatient to
let God work. I’ve already started seeing a glimpse into what God’s plan might
be, but it just doesn’t seem quick enough and I’m not sure it’s His plan or
mine. I’ve started to look at Facebook less because it’s filled with friends
and family who have stuff going on and I miss it. I miss having a set routine.
I was comfortable for crying out loud. It’s overwhelming to think that I have a
blank slate. No one knows me out here. I can make a name for myself without
people knowing my family or knowing I have CF. But then how do I do that? Do I
need to be out there in the world? Since transplant I’ve had the thought that
God wanted to use my story… but how do I go about sharing it? Do I really need
to or has it just been a thought I’ve had to keep me going in times when it’s
been hard to see purpose in my life.
I can’t wait
to feel comfortable here. I’ve been told that only 3% of this county are Christian.
That makes me feel like 97% of people around me don’t understand who I am or
won’t get me. I guess this means I will really see how accepting the world
really is. Today, for the first time ever, I’m typing on my computer and
studying the Bible in a coffee shop, for the world to see! That’s huge for me.
For one, I’ve never taken the time to buy a coffee and plant myself in a seat
for hours on end, it’s kind of hurting my lower back (like I thought it would)
and I’ve always thought I’d get bored. Secondly, I’ve never had a need to write
or type anything significant. Thirdly, I’ve always thought that coffee shop
loiterers were smart and intellectual (two things I’ve never called
myself).
So I guess
something new I’m learning about myself… I can be completely honest on a blog
when I’m feeling totally and completely uncomfortable, especially because it
gives you something to type about while loitering in a coffee shop.
Can’t wait
for a new routine.
Oh yeah, and
I’ve looked at the clock 3 times since sitting here… I’ve been here for 1 hour
and 20 minutes! That must be a record!
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