This makes me uncomfortable

It has really hit me lately how comfortable I was back home in CA. I think about it whenever I drive through the canopies of trees on one of the scenic routes or on the highway surrounded by Connecticut and New York license plates—am I really living in CT?! Back in CA I had a routine of work, ministry and family. My days were packed and I liked being busy. But now I have more time, and I’m struck with the question of what am I going to do? I’ve debated going back to school, working at a local coffee shop, writing, or just full time volunteering, whether in ministry or a local nonprofit. In California, I had a list of things I would do if I had the time… but now I don’t feel a passion for those things. It’s kind of humorous and then again it’s not, because I feel so lost at times. 

We have been here a little over three weeks and sometimes I feel ridiculously impatient to let God work. I’ve already started seeing a glimpse into what God’s plan might be, but it just doesn’t seem quick enough and I’m not sure it’s His plan or mine. I’ve started to look at Facebook less because it’s filled with friends and family who have stuff going on and I miss it. I miss having a set routine. I was comfortable for crying out loud. It’s overwhelming to think that I have a blank slate. No one knows me out here. I can make a name for myself without people knowing my family or knowing I have CF. But then how do I do that? Do I need to be out there in the world? Since transplant I’ve had the thought that God wanted to use my story… but how do I go about sharing it? Do I really need to or has it just been a thought I’ve had to keep me going in times when it’s been hard to see purpose in my life.

I can’t wait to feel comfortable here. I’ve been told that only 3% of this county are Christian. That makes me feel like 97% of people around me don’t understand who I am or won’t get me. I guess this means I will really see how accepting the world really is. Today, for the first time ever, I’m typing on my computer and studying the Bible in a coffee shop, for the world to see! That’s huge for me. For one, I’ve never taken the time to buy a coffee and plant myself in a seat for hours on end, it’s kind of hurting my lower back (like I thought it would) and I’ve always thought I’d get bored. Secondly, I’ve never had a need to write or type anything significant. Thirdly, I’ve always thought that coffee shop loiterers were smart and intellectual (two things I’ve never called myself). 

So I guess something new I’m learning about myself… I can be completely honest on a blog when I’m feeling totally and completely uncomfortable, especially because it gives you something to type about while loitering in a coffee shop.

Can’t wait for a new routine. 

Oh yeah, and I’ve looked at the clock 3 times since sitting here… I’ve been here for 1 hour and 20 minutes! That must be a record!

New Beginnings

Well, it's my first post. I guess the thing to do is to explain my blog title, Life of a Transplant. As I sit here writing this entry and deciding how I want to go about defining the title, I'm disappointed in the lack of my creativity to find a more interesting name. My life has been surrounded by medical doctors and terminology, family and friends who support and love me, and feeling or emotions that I have a hard time defining due to immunosuppressants and a lifetime of being "strong" . To get things started, the biggest thing about me is that I have cystic fibrosis (CF). I was diagnosed at 7 months and it is the thorn in my side. I hate CF. Growing up I hated that it defined me. I hated the attention and hated the work it took to take care of myself, but, now that I have new lungs, I don't really mind it most the time. I used to always pray for healing, a cure, or normalcy... and I got it, but in a totally different way than I thought. Post transplant, I have learned that there is no "normal", a cure could still come but not completely help me now and I have been healed in a way I never thought possible, new lungs=new beginnings. 

So reason #1 for my title... I received a double lung transplant in 2007. My life totally changed from that point, from ending bad relationships, giving up guilty pleasures, meeting my now husband and ultimately, giving my heart over to Jesus as my God. I could go on and on and on about why these changes are significant, but I think I can save some details for later.

Reason #2 for why Life of a Transplant is significant to me. For the first time in my life, I live more than 20 minutes away from my family and friends. My husbands firm offered a position in New York City, and we accepted it in July and now live in Stamford, CT.  My husband Bryce commutes into Manhattan every day and I am now an at home wife, totally weird. This is something I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams. I'm a Bay Area, California girl born and raised and have only dreamed of different places to live as I've ventured out as a tourist or looked through magazines. I guess in ways I'm seeing how God prepared me for this, but I know there will be a lot to learn over here. We have been here almost 3 weeks and it still doesn't feel like home. Someone just told me it will probably take a year and that makes me sad. I actually really love this location, although we got here at the beginning of fall and haven't experienced a true winter or summer before. But, I'm excited to see more of this place as I explore my new world. I guess my love for Gilmore Girls, fall and my favorite city (Boston) being so close has helped me a little in this transition. We'll see what happens when I'm stuck at home all day because of weather, or when I get sick and don't have family around to keep me company. All in all, I'm really happy to be here although at times I may sound doubtful. 

So, this is the beginning. I hope to use this blog as a way to define myself and transition into a new Heidi. Change will be hard but in my experiences, change has been the best thing I've ever had to do.